The Good, The Bad, and The SL!

So, there i was being all kajira like in HTML Gor chat sites, and having some really cool times, and having some extra sucky times. my "Papers" are listed in my links if A/anyone is interested in knowing my Owners in Gorland.

i think i mentioned before that i've never been a slut, so of course the wonderful world of Gor COULD make my non-sluttiness a bit challenging. Fortunately, i was consistently owned by a Mistress, or at the very least, a Couple, so the sexy stuff was not so important. Well... sure it showed up sometimes *blushes*, but there is a HUGE difference between serving a Gorean Mistress, over a Gorean Master.

Most of my time in the Gorland was spent serving drinks/food, making jewelry, goofing off with friends, and sometimes scribbling out lil avatar pictures for others or myself. Oh sure, i had the basic b.s. chores to do, (dishes, laundry, feed/run from the vulo etc.), but that was my life for about two years, and say what Y/you want about Gor... it was mostly pretty cool.

Until...
*insert dramatic music here*Something... bad... happened. It hurt, a lot. Actually this was the second time something horrible happened to me in the world of Gor. i will not discuss it here. Sorry, you'll have to use your imagination, but it was enough for me to want to leave and never return.

But... i am sincere and honest in all i do online, and could not simply vanish... ever. If i were to be 'killed' in my roleplay, it would have been an easy out. But i was denied this.

So i was hurt, for a long time. Just going through the motions, and basically... existing. Was what happened my fault? Maybe... but the others involved were still total tools, so it works out.

Eventually, with the help of friends, i was able to bring myself back to a bit of sanity, and eventually, i started to smile again and have fun... but i was very leery, and kept things at arms length.

Now, a lot of you may read this and say... "wow... this chicky's psychotic!". Well, i KNOW i could shut off computer and hide under the bed if i wanted to. But i think i mentioned in my original blog thingy, this can FEEL very real. If you can't understand, there is no way i can make you, but i have spoken to others that feel the same way. Maybe we are all psychotic. But i think to do many of the things we do online, takes a 'special' (read 'touched in the head'). i hope this makes a bit of sense to everyone. It is basically a 'secondlife'.

Oh, there's that word again!

So, things started getting very strange in the world of Gor. Homes, and people started to vanish. It was like one day i would be sold to someone, and have a very happy home, then a month later, the home would disappear, and i would be sold to someone else. This happened OFTEN. i didn't get it. i began to feel cursed. Yes, i joke, but seriously, why was this happening constantly?!

i had the same Owner in the world of Gor for almost a year, and then suddenly it was like every home and person that i came in contact with turned to dust! The first time or two it was sad, or depressing, and then after like the 5th or 6th time, i began to wonder... wtf???

i tried to spend time back in regular HTML D/s chats, but it didn't take long for the same old frustrations i felt there to return to me. i felt like i tried so hard to be pleasing and make Someone happy and proud, but who was just trying to cop a cheap feel, and who was sincere? It was so difficult to tell anymore. Oh, and then there was my 'curse'. Did it translate to other places??

i wandered through Gor for a while, like a ghost, trying to decide where to go and what to do. i was in a grey area where my Owner vanished, and released me, but didn't tell anyone *smiles sweetly*. i could pretty much do what i wanted.

Then Someone told me, "Try Secondlife... there are some Gor Homes there, and it seems to be getting more popular".

Fine... here i go, installing more crap into my puter just to talk to people... sheesh!

So, i spend about 3 or 4 hours trying to make myself look 'right' in Secondlife. UGH! What a MAJOR PAIN! Isn't there something i can hook to my brain and have the computer figure out what i want to look like?? Or at the VERY least, take a pic i like and convert that to the world of SL??

So, after touchup after touchup, i FINALLY decided to go seek out a Gor home in SL...

Oh, but there is so much more to write about!
...to be continued!
すき

Gor and more!

Oh! Did i say a dirty word?!?! Yes to many i did... and since i'm a dirty chicky, i'm going to say it again... GOR!! GOR....GORGORGORGAGAGOR!! Wow... now i need a bath. A good long hot bath where i will lather my entire body all over touching myself in ways to bring about many pleasures and erase the horrible memories of... whatever it was i was going to talk about *smiles extra sweetly*

kk, when last W/we met, i was saying stuff about how i was doing a lot of online slavery type of things. It was SOOOO MUCH fun!! Well, when it didn't suck anyway. i mean, sometimes it did feel like a meat market. And as i mentioned before, i was still a bit extra new to the whole 'lifestyle' thingy. i KNOW i made a lot of mistakes. i know i prolly lost a LOT of good opportunities to serve the perfect Mistress, (if there is such a thing).

It seems that most online relationships have a life-span of about 2 weeks. Go for a month, and its a record. More than that is nearly impossible, (You GO Ms. Soft and lil p!!). The problem is, where is the line between being a total ho, and making an effort to be pleasing? Because i didn't come to the rooms to just 'play', (cause yes even online i want a serious relationship and not be a big nasty slut-bag), it was hard to know where to draw the line, (or scribble in my case).

If Someone started getting TOO friendly, i would back away and say um... nope. But... well, i could talk in circles about the whole bizarre-o mindset of online D/s rooms. Basically everyone there is completely insane... um... yes, that'd be me too.

Anyway, as i was saying, i had some very good relationships, that did not last for one reason or other. Then i had some very... not so good relationships that i clung to like a leech. Remember how i mentioned the 'insane' things?

Maybe now that i have this blog thingy, i will rant endlessly about Orchid, and Soft, and Juliette, and Mei, and... oh look at the time, sorry. Not only could you write a book about my misadventures, but do an entire TV Miniseries!

Well, for now lets keep moving things forward, shall we? Yes... lets shall.

So one day, i'm... um... 'performing' in someones private message box. Someone i've known for a while before you start yelling at me about the 'slutty' things. i think it was a simple dance i was doing.

Oh, did i confuse everyone again? In a virtual world, text is totally our existence. If you have a good 'scene' with good text, it can feel VERY real. If you are not a creative typist, you're screwed. Basically how poetically can you describe what you're doing, how you're doing it, and how you feel about it. There is also a fine line between a very creative run-on sentence, and boring slop that you have to read to know whats happening.

Maybe one day i will post some of the more... entertaining goofy things. Yea, how sad is my life that i kept some of these things? Oh not for blackmail or anything, but just cause it was goofy fun.

So, here i am making my lil fingers totally numb by trying to impress the heck out of this Domme i liked by doing the worlds greatest online virtual poetic dance routine. When it was over, She said... "that looked like you learned it in Gor." Um... huh?

i've seen the rooms around but had no more interest in entering them than any other roleplay type of room i've seen with five or six geeky types waiting to see Jeri Ryan enter in a tight bodysuit. That was my vision of Gor. What do i know?

So i started asking a bit more about Gor, cause i worked hard on that dance, and thought if this is the kind of thing they do... maybe i should check it out, since the rest of my online world was having a lot of tumbleweeds blow past.

E/everyone i asked said the same thing... DON'T GO!

Of course, this only succeeded in making me want to go more!

So, i covertly checked it out one day. OMG, it REALLY impressed me!! This room had structure, and it was busy, and the text was so detailed and creative, and the avatars! OMG! WHY would anyone say this is bad?!?! Well... i'm not so good at foreshadowing, so insert it here.

i had been only observing, but one day i was given a sort of ultimatum by someone i met there. All or nothing. Stop being a voyeur and get involved. On this particular night, i had like not ONE but THREE things go bad in regular D/s chat. It was enough to convince me i needed that structure that gorland had to offer me. So i dove in head first. Got a concussion and 12 stitches.

For almost two years i was in Gorland. i still have my cheesy lil kajira papers posted on my 'homepage' showing my Owners and history and more. For a long time, i felt like i had FINALLY found a home online! i felt like it was right. Maybe it was difficult sometimes, but i LOVE a challenge! The concept is great!

Yes the concept is... but the follow-through sucks in most Gor homes.

Maybe one day again i will go on endlessly about the good, the bad and the extra ugly of Gorland. But for now, let me just say it started going dowhill after a year or so. i clung to it for dear life thinking it will be just as good as it was once before.


i even spent a month as a FW! (Oh, this is a Woman on Gor that has papers saying she can't be a slave and can own property and stuff... did i mention Gor was a bit extra sexist?).

Well, when i had all but given up on the world of Gor, i came across someone that said something life-changing to me. Not unlike the day someone said "That dance looked like you learned it in Gor", someone said "There might be some busy Gor rooms in Secondlife".

Hmm.... Maybe this is a good place to stop.

すき

Here i am...

So, by popular demand, i felt the need to do a blog.
kk, maybe not DEMAND... well, maybe for no reason whatsoever, but i'm here anyway dammit.

So where do i start?

i'm NOT starting at the beginning, cause thats what schools and bible classes are about. Maybe i should start at the end?

Maybe i should back up just a couple paces and start near the end.

Near the end, actually began maybe like fifteen years ago or so. First let me say i am NOT one of those people that say, "OH GOD NO!!!! Not RL!!!" i'm not afraid or ashamed. Well, to the point that i'm not giving out my home address or work phone number etc. i guess i know when to reign myself in and when its ok to give out some info.

i was born and live in a far away country called Florida. Trust me, spend some time here, and you'll understand. my Father is Japanese, and my mother is Italian and Irish. Basically this makes me a mutt. Actually because of the mix of heritage, the Asian part of me wants to submit, the Italian part wants to argue about it, then the Irish part wants to just get totally plastered.... *mmm*... i'll take a mudslide please *smiles sweetly*

Oh, and just to answer your question... i really don't speak Japanese. But sometimes i get lucky and can fake my way through a greet or sometimes i can read some, but thats about it. You see, growing up, i totally did not want to look Asian, (cause kids can be a bit cruel to anyone that looks different... go figure). my dad tried to teach me and my sister when we were growing up, but we didn't really care or want to learn or listen... typical pain in the ass brat. Hmm... i think i still am.

So here's the deal...
Its been said like a billion times in my life by others, that since i am of Japanese heritage, i MUST be submissive *sighs*... to which i will reply VERY loudly, Oh HELL NO!

Um... maybe i lie just a bit in my RL.

So, the TRUTH is, saying here and now... yes i ache to be submissive. i want to please and serve! i LOVE the idea of being controlled! Oh, and the clothes and bondage is pretty hot too *smiles innocently*

Now the question is, is this a TRUE stereotype about Japanese women, or is it just cause soooooo many people have 'told' me i am, that it sinks into my lil brain and my lil brain says 'um.. ok'.

Or maybe the reality is that i'm just a freak.

Either way, its not something i've EVER been brave enough to do in RL for like a billion reasons.

1. Because its freakin dangerous - kk, i hear you already, "Oh, but munches are perfectly safe!" HA! i imagine they are, but lets look at the facts. i'd be going myself, and exposing others as having a slave heart. Basically this is asking for trouble. Its putting a giant target on my back and aching for SOMEONE to take advantage of me. Even if there are tons of people there to keep an eye on me... it just isn't something i'm willing to do.

2. Family would NEVER understand - i have an older sis, and younger one. Plus i love my parents with all my heart and soul. Can you IMAGINE the conversation with my parents where i say to them that i want someone to control me and own me??? Yea, dad would freak, and mom would endlessly lecture about how i need to be a strong powerful woman and go out and kick ass take names etc etc blah blah.

3. Boyfriend - Oh, yes i am seeing someone RL, who has NO idea bout this kinda thing. i've sort of hinted around about it, but still, he has no clue, and the last thing i want to do is sub to a total noob. Maybe one day we will 'experiment' but he would think i'm a bit of a freak, cause of his reaction to this sorta thing in the past... so i don't talk about it. Does this mean i want to leave him for a Dominant?? Um... no... and i'll tell you why....

4. Virtual slavery - Maybe those that are 'hardcore' will read this and give me the lecture about "Oh, online is NOTHING like RL!!" UGH! If i hear ONE more person telling me about what i'm "MISSING", i'll lose my freakin' mind! Maybe this is true... prolly this is VERY true. But, its enough for me to 'get it out of my system'. Meaning i can be sub/slave online and it FEELS very real! Well, depending on the situation, but i can totally involve myself in whats going on online and i stop typing in front of a puter and suddenly i'm there! Its cool, and scary, and exciting, and hot and all the other powerful things you can imagine!

Does this mean i'll NEVER do anything in D/s in RL? Eh...maybe, maybe not. But it has to be RIGHT, not half-assed, and not out of any sort of 'desperation'. IF i happen to meet Someone who i get along with VERY well in RL on a social level, THEN i discover they are totally Domme, i would consider it very seriously, but ONLY if i feel they have a clue.

Oh... did i just say Domme? Yea, thats i guess the other 'catch'. i don't think i would ever feel right being sub to guy. It feels... dangerous. Maybe thats a bit too extreme a word. It feels... wrong. i guess i want to be equal to guys, and because guys a bit bigger than me, it feels more unsafe. Well, my b/f is no body builder, i mean he's slender, but even still... guys have this whole... testosterone thing that makes them a bit unpredictable i guess, and maybe... dangerous.

Sorry.

Oh, but that opens ANOTHER can of crap! Am i 'bi'? Well, if i am, i'm not very good at it. Publicly, nobody knows of my interest in being with another woman. And actually in RL, i've only been with three other women. But its always been very secretive and behind closed doors. But i've also had three regular b/f's in my life. Those have been public yes. Again, like D/s, it has to be the RIGHT person. i'm no slut. Never have been and never will be. And honestly, until you get to know me, i'm a bit shy and quiet... oh and after, i never shut the hell up.

So there's the set up...

Where have i been?

i started my chat world in Yahoo chat rooms, (when they had cool user chat rooms before skynet bots took over). Then i got advanced in IRC, and then to Chat Emporium, and later Chatropolis where i spent a good portion of my life being a pain in the ass to E/everyone there *smiles sweetly*

i had some FANTASTIC times! i met some VERY cool P/people and made a lot of very good friends (Kari, Linda, Soft, Lil Princess... GODD i miss you all so much!). And i met some not so good people. For as many good times as i had, i had about as many horrible painful days online too.

Oh... maybe this is a good place to end for now?
To be continued...

すき